Parenting Resources - from the Unsicker Law Firm

Dear Readers:

2011-04-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

I have been neglecting this blog for some time, and I apologized. I hope to be more active here, posting about special education, child custody, and to share more about myself. If you have any (general) questions I can answer, please comment here and I will try to answer them in a post soon!

Sincerely,
Sarah

Tips when your Child is a Bully

2010-11-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of press about children being bullied, and how to help a child who is being bullied. But for every child who is a victim of bullying, another child is a bully. (Sometimes both at once.)

I see very few good resources for parents of bullies. The natural reaction is denial -- how can a child that I raised be so mean to others? Another natural reaction is anger, believing your child is being falsely accused. However, it is very important for parents to work through these emotions on their own and deal with the problem. Children need to learn how to deal with situations without being mean to others, in order to become productive adults.

In that light, I wanted to share with you an article I read in ADDitude magazine: When your ADHD child is a Bully. Although this resource is targeted toward parents of children with ADHD, I believe the advice applies universally. Some examples of how to handle your child's aggression are:

Give your child something constructive to do. The child may need an outlet for leadership, which may be more responsibility in the classroom.
Help your child control her emotions. One way to do this is by role playing with the child.
Investigate, and temper your words and emotions. Don't use words like "bullying" with your child, but ask everyone who is involved (your child, the teacher, other parents if they address you) for their side of the story. And remember: Just because your child's perspective is different from the teacher's, does not mean that either one is lying. Everybody sees the situation from their own viewpoint.

Have you had positive experiences with teaching children to stop aggressive behavior?

When you Disagree: Preserve Your Rights Without Starting a War

2010-11-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

In my e-mail this morning, I received an article from Wrightslaw titled How to Disagree with the IEP team without starting WWIII. The article is specifically aimed at IEP meetings, but is good advice for many situations where you may face disagreement and want your rights preserved.

Specifically, the article suggests:

use facts to back up your assertions
Have evidence of your viewpoint, including writing on the document and tape recording meetings
Be polite but firm
Follow up the meeting with a letter, again stating your viewpoint.

I find it is especially hard for parents to remember the "polite but firm" suggestion, especially if this is not how they are accustomed to handling situations. In difficult situations, it is important to remember to attack the issues and disagreements, not the people themselves. Attacking people does not advance your position, and often makes people more, not less, entrenched in their (opposing) position. If you instead discuss the situation at hand, and recognize that the people have other policies pushing their position (for example, a lack of funding), you may be able to work around these and find an acceptable solution.

Our firm is happy to give guidance if you need further help handling difficult situations. Email us if you would like to discuss this further.

Advocating for the Little Things

2010-11-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

Advocating for your child can be a big deal: parents often think about "big things" like accessibility and supports.

But more frequently, it is important to advocate for the "little things" for a child. Issues that come up every day, such as:

Making sure an active child has a chance to play before school, to use up energy so he can concentrate in the classroom.
Ensuring a child with sensory issues has received his sensory diet EVERY day.
Checking that the child's teachers are sufficiently aware of the child and her needs to make sure they respond to these needs on a daily basis (not just "following the plan").

I spoke with a mom today whose child's therapist had recently started wearing a new perfume, and the perfume was an issue for the child. Mom had a couple of choices in this situation: she could ignore the perfume, or she could discuss it. Ignoring it seemed to Mom to be the socially acceptable route: there would be no confrontation or hurt feelings, and she would not be rude. However, the perfume was causing problems for her son's learning. Mom decided, instead, to address the situation before it became a problem. She gathered up her courage and approached the therapist at the end of the session, and mentioned (as politely as she could) that this perfume was causing problems for her child. Much to her surprise, the therapist readily agreed not to wear the perfume anymore around the child.

Even though Mom recognized this as a "little thing", it made a difference to her child. Advocating every day involves speaking up about the little things, not waiting for an IEP meeting to come around to address big things.

Teachers can be Fired for Old Crimes

2010-10-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

Good news for parents: schools can fire teachers if they discover the teachers are "bad apples."

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled yesterday that School Districts do not act beyond their Constitutional power if they fire teachers who have criminal convictions.

The Supreme Court of Ohio today upheld as constitutional two provisions of state law that 1) require Ohio school districts to conduct criminal background checks on non-licensed school employees who were not subject to such checks prior to 2007, and 2) require districts to release from employment current employees if it is determined that they have a prior conviction for certain specified criminal offenses.

Of course, this broad power should be used judiciously. Good teachers who had made bad choices but (based on officials' knowledge of the teachers, of course) had rehabilitated should not be automatically terminated. Doing so would not only harm the teachers, but students and the school as well.

Read more about the Court's decision in the Columbus Dispatch article.

Special Education Ipod Apps

2010-10-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

I am, admittedly, a luddite and do not own an iPod (my 2-gig shuffle excluded), or really understand what apps are, but I am in the minority these days.

This being said, I am happy to learn today that Apple has added a Special Education section to its App Store, where users can find applications related to accessibility needs. Hopefully, if you are looking for accessibility applications, this will cut down on the search time and make an iPhone (etc.) more useful.

Changing the Culture of Bullying

2010-10-24T11:57:00.001-07:00

Bullying seems to be an ever-prevalent concern of parents. And a child who is a victim of bullying can bring increased turmoil into families.

I came across this article today in Parenting Science about some of the science behind bullying. It is an interesting article, well worth reading for school administrators and people who can influence culture in a school. Because, at the end of the day,

To change the behavior of bullies, we need to change the attitudes of everyone in school—bullies, victims, and bystanders alike.

Is your child's school plagued by a culture of bullying? What are you doing to change it?

Priorities

2010-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

You are probably familiar with the account of Joshua Bell playing in the New York Subway. (If not, read it, it is a fascinating look at the power of image.) I read it several months ago as I was thinking about marketing.

Although the details of the article are fuzzy to me now, this resonates with me:

There was no ethnic or demographic pattern to distinguish the people who stayed to watch Bell, or the ones who gave money … But the behavior of one demographic remained absolutely consistent. Every single time a child walked past, he or she tried to stop and watch. And every single time, a parent scooted the kid away. (emphasis mine)

Think about it. Every child expressed interest. And by listening to their child, any parent could have had exposure to—not good, but great music. Not only that, but they could have shared that experience with their child: the experience of the music, but also the experience of "together time:" not only rushing to get somewhere, but to be truly present together in something for one moment.

Granted, the passers-by did not know that the music was truly superior to what they would normally experience in the subway. The parents who may normally want to expose their children did not realize that this is "the kind of music" that they want to share with their children.

But the children knew that this is "the kind of music" they want to share with their parents.

I, for one, do not believe that, on that one day, at that one station, 100% of parents could not have spared an extra five minutes—or even 30 seconds—to share the experience of music with their children. Some (maybe even most) were probably running late, rushing off to daycare and work to start a busy day. I am sure none had the time to listen to an impromptu 30-minute concert.

But a few seconds to spend with their child? A few minutes, at most, before re-directing the child elsewhere? What could that have brought to their relationship?

First, children crave time with their parents. If they are not given quality time, they will seek it out – often by misbehaving. A screaming child gets the attention he needs, while a quiet child may not. This does not mean the quiet child doesn't need the attention! But a moment of attention in a time like this builds up their reserves.

Second, to stop when a child requests it shows respect for the child. Children should respect parents and caretakers as role models, and should follow their guide. As with any life skill, one way to teach respect is to model it. Respecting a child's needs builds reciprocity and "fairness" into the relationship—which will pay back when the caregiver needs this respect.

Finally, time like this is a way to get to know the child better. Parents can observe the child, and possibly discuss the experience later. The better a parent knows their child, the better they can parent that child.